7Reasons Youre Dreaming

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Дата публикации: 2017-10-06 02:56

Your coach: WHY’D YOU SPIKE THE BALL YOU STUPID PRINCETON FUCK? Never forget that the Jared Cook catch never could have happened without Jason Garrett ordering his QB to stop the clock on the previous drive. He’ll never learn proper game management, and for that I’m grateful. He’s the best sleeper agent a Dallas hater could ever ask for.

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Anyway, this is the exact kind of uninspiring, bland hire the world counts on from Jacksonville. They are the Democratic party of football, trotting out one respectable loser after another. The only time they make a splash is when one of their fans grabs his nuts in the stadium pool. HOWEVER, they did make one notable hire after anointing Marrone permanent interim head coach…

Why Your Team Sucks 2017: Dallas Cowboys - Deadspin

9) This city blows donkey dick. The downtown is decrepit and any establishment there with any semblance of quality closes at 5PM. Do you like culture? Too bad, you’re not going to find it. Anything trendy that graces the city comes four years after it was cool and is usually gone within a year. I’ve lived here almost all of my life and I’m resigned to the fact that I will likely die in a place that is so much of a void that our local “North Florida Cultural Magazine” is called.. you guessed it Void Magazine. I hope they bury my bones below the intersection of I-95 and I-65 because at least I’d be on the road to a place that makes people happy.

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We turned over our entire secondary, play a first place schedule, and it’s entirely possible Dak and Zeke already have played their best football.

Jerry Jones is the Donald Trump of the NFL. He’s a media savant who knows how to keep boost the value of his team to astronomical levels while maintaining a dynasty of mediocrity that will follow me to the grave. I may as well be some dumb-fuck MAGA hat wearing asshole hooting and hollering as I watch Jerry drive my team in to the dumpster year after year. We got two lovable, sympathetic rookies who will either turn out to be complete assholes (Zeke) or be torn to shreds like Romo (Dak) despite having an offensive line that every sports writer claims is the best in the league. We don’t deserve the bounty that fell in our lap and Jerry will still manage to squander it.

In other news, it’s a given that any Dallas edge rusher will find a way to get himself suspended, so say goodbye to David Irving for the first month of the season. This defense is worthless without him. Half the secondary left. Their two best linebackers have one working ACL between them. So much potential regression. You could hold a diving meet off my erection right now. BOINGGGGGGGGGG!

So what’s important to remember is that something bad happened with the Dallas Cowboys, and it will cast a pall over their entire season, and Jerry is apparently very upset about it, and that’s great. I wish Jerry was always as unhappy as he was the moment he got the news. I hope Christie accidentally falls on him in the luxury box and suffocates him to death with hot dog farts.

I have several friends who have had season tickets for years. This year, none have renewed. It’s like they’ve given up. Totally conceded that the team will not be good as long as Blake Bortles is their quarterback. It is the worst kept secret in the league that Bortles fancies an adult beverage or two and that he does not care for the team or the city in any way. On Saturday, after he threw 5 interceptions in a single camp practice, he left the field in a huff and yelled “GO JAGUARS” to some rowdy fans in the crowd. Someone yelled back “SEE YOU AT LEMON BAR !” which is a popular beach bar that Bortles is always at.

Perfect. Jared caught the ball. No matter how rich and powerful Jerry Jones gets, I can always count on his team—America’s Moral Sewer—to turn into a clown show anytime they sniff the postseason. And I can always count on their fans to be absolute scum who are always begging to be humiliated. They lie in wait until the team is good again and take the opportunity to maximize ALL of their insufferability, to remind you just why you despised the Cowboys to begin with. Then, like clockwork, comes the comeuppance, which they’re too stupid to ever see coming.

8) Quick, name our top performer last season? You guessed it, our mascot, Jaxson DeVille, and even that guy is inferior to his predecessor who was in the suit two years ago